Secretly, I am hoping for snow. Or let me say a dusting of snow...this time of year is always hard because all the leaves are off the Mychaela tree and I look forward to the snow, a semblance of her presence. Geez, all of a sudden I feel a bit sad. Back to distracting myself with cleaning and preparing the Christmas decorations.
Be safe dear friends and know that I am thankful for your friendship and the time you put in to update me on your lives via livejournal.
Enjoy the Harvest!
What an experience...save up and treat yourself!
For those wondering, yes; when Tiny Tim first said, "God bless us, everyone!" I burst into tears.
Here are my thoughts on Kathryn turning 4:
It amazes me that the little one I held in my arms now stands and walks beside me. The little baby that nursed and kept warm beside me is now a "I can do it myself" and "Watch what I can do Mom," little girl. How did this happen? I fall asleep and awake to the wonder of her experiencing this world; always questioning, always open, occasionaly mischievious, always lovely.
The passing of time is bitter sweet and I wouldn't change a thing.
My sister is going to come over today and we are going to solidify some plans to go camping this week. I'm looking forward to getting away. Bill seemed slightly irritated, but I don't care. That's why we have the trailer. Plus, Kathryn is really excited to leave. She's my little outdoor girl.
This past week had some highlights and lowlights, too much to get into right now, but it's a new week and we are moving forward.
I need to finish my taxes so we can get our money.
Jake has a football game, and I want to go, but we'll see how far I get on the house.
Speaking of house I need to stop procrastinating and get taping!
Here are the lyrics...if I was a computer genius I'd plaster in the You Tube Video, but my brother NEVER responded on how he does it in his journal *ahem, hint,hint*
Here they are:
Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale dead moon in a sky streaked with grey.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.
Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles,
the frozen smiles to chase love away.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.
Lonely, lonely.
Tin can at my feet,
I think I'll kick it down the street.
That's the way to treat a friend.
Bright before me the signs implore me:
Help the needy and show them the way.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.
Lonely, so lonely.
Tin can at my feet,
I think I'll kick it down the street.
That's the way to treat a friend.
Bright before me the signs implore me:
Help the needy and show them the way.
Human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's gonna rain today.
No, I'm not down...today this song is comforting. I need to go hug my kiddos now and start some laundry.
I suppose I should have expected something hateful to spew from her mouth, but when she said to me that I am a horrible person and mom because I allowed one daughter to die and the other to be violated...I hung up and went hollow.
I asked my husband one thing when I was gone this past week and that was to not eat over there. For goodness sake, make up lie, "Thanks, but I have to go to Lowe's" or something. When Bill told me that he had dinner I did feel a bit of betrayal, but knowing that it is the mother of our oldest son I swallowed that feeling. However, when he told me that Heather was showing her pictures of her "fat cousin" and than made a comment about me...I wanted to die.
Since Liam's birth I have lost over 60 pounds. Neither Heather nor Bill understand the toll it takes to be carry children for three years back to back. To top it off with a death, I will admit there have been times where I do feel as if I am on a spiral. However, since the birth of Liam things have been improving. But if I have one "down" day all of the sudden I'm the constant bitch or depressed crazy person, or need more medication, or have something really wrong with me.
All I want is my HUSBAND to understand, but it seems like a futile effort.
Time to put on my happy face and get ready to leave for the rest of the week.
*sheesh*
Ok, not really, we're heading eastward, but will be staying at the Westward Ho Motel in West Yellowstone as we discover and explore the great National Park. Kathryn has been obssesed with bears and that they are going to eat her. So after a quick trip to the library where we picked up a book about bears and their habitat as well as the story Blueberries for Sal...she is feeling much better because bears eat berries, honey, fish and grubs.
My mom is going to be making the trip with the three of us and the hubby is being left behind. I tried convincing him months ago that this is the only time we have with the kids so seize the day, but he is stressed about the economy. I am thankful that he busts his butt so we can at leas go and have a little summer fun.
Today I'm getting things in the car so that when my alarm goes off at 3:00am, the coffee will be on, the final items put away and kids loaded up. I will admit that I can be a bit of a "trip nazi" so my plan is to be on the road no later than 4am. I love it; it reminds me of the times as a kid we would be loaded up in the wee hours and drive to CA from Las Vegas.
I can't remember if I told you all that I am on Zoloft. I think I might of said Prozac, but that's not it. It's a really low dose 25mg and I can't really tell if it's working. I've kept a journal and there have been some great moments of anxiety. Bill thinks it's working, but honestly I think it more of a placebo for him than myself!
All in all, life continues down a path that I am enjoying walking with my family by my side.
I'll write more in a couple weeks.
Wyo-wyo-Wy
In these turbulant times I have been thinking alot about the importance of family, and how the bonds that bind are able to sustain difficulites that occur in life.
What is family? It is more than the members within the unit; it is the memories, the challenges, and the love that is essential for family surrvival.
Perhaps because Bill is divorced I tend to think on this a bit more, because I desire "family". And to be honest, with how quickly my step-son is growing, I know that my children will be grown before I realize it. The question is after children are grown, how is the family redefined? What will my life with my husband look and be? Perhaps this is why I find it important for husbands and wives to continue to "fall in love"...remember when you first met and how you dated and desired to impress, this is something that must continue throughout the marriage. I'm not saying to go out and spend money, but remember what it was like anticipating the phone call, the excitment of first holding hands, the ACTION, of falling in love.
This is especially important when adversity arises. It is easy to let bitterness and resentment build up walls blocking communication, so the ability to focus on the ACTION becomes key to overcoming adversity. If husband AND wife are not committed to the betterment and loving of each other, than the family is what suffers.
This is not to say that this will result in wedded bliss, but I find that I need this reminder to help me center on the importance of my family. It is for my children's benefit that I take ACTION to honor, love and cherish Bill.
By doing so will create a solid family bond, where we as a family can meet and overcome lifes challenges, and enjoy the blessings as well.
What is family? It is more than the members within the unit; it is the memories, the challenges, and the love that is essential for family surrvival.
Perhaps because Bill is divorced I tend to think on this a bit more, because I desire "family". And to be honest, with how quickly my step-son is growing, I know that my children will be grown before I realize it. The question is after children are grown, how is the family redefined? What will my life with my husband look and be? Perhaps this is why I find it important for husbands and wives to continue to "fall in love"...remember when you first met and how you dated and desired to impress, this is something that must continue throughout the marriage. I'm not saying to go out and spend money, but remember what it was like anticipating the phone call, the excitment of first holding hands, the ACTION, of falling in love.
This is especially important when adversity arises. It is easy to let bitterness and resentment build up walls blocking communication, so the ability to focus on the ACTION becomes key to overcoming adversity. If husband AND wife are not committed to the betterment and loving of each other, than the family is what suffers.
This is not to say that this will result in wedded bliss, but I find that I need this reminder to help me center on the importance of my family. It is for my children's benefit that I take ACTION to honor, love and cherish Bill.
By doing so will create a solid family bond, where we as a family can meet and overcome lifes challenges, and enjoy the blessings as well.
I've been up since 2:30 in the freaking morning.
Tell me, does your body go through some funky hormonal swing when you turn 30 that does this sort of thing?
Maybe I should do something productive with this wide awake energy, like fold laundry or something :)
But instead I play a bit of scrabble trying to relax and hopefully make me a wee bit sleepy. I sit on the couch and close my eyes, but all to no avail.
So here I am...typing about nothing.
So, I am starting a low dose of Zoloft. I'll keep you posted on how it develops.
However, I totally forgot to talk with her about birth control.
*sheesh*
Bill's brother comes up this weekend so that should end up being a nice time.
I need to finish cleaning my kitchen.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
And to my "online friend" Elizabeth, I've been thinking about you lately...I hope your entire family is able to enjoy this summer!
Next Friday I have a doctor appointment for myself where I am thinking I will ask for a perscription for Zoloft. It's a mild anti-depressant/mood stabilizer. Besided the fact that being a loon runs in my family, I have noticed my anxiety nearly leading into full blown panic attacks. There have been several times where out of the blue, for no apparent reason, I feel like I just want to cry. But being placed in situations where that would be an inappropriate response, I swallow it and the anxiety rises.
I'm sure some of it is due to the fact that my husbands ex-wife is a complete witch (long story, can't get into it right now).
I've had a couple moments where I've been able to break down crying and praying but the relief is of such an outcry is not occuring.
I'm also going to discuss some sort of tubal procedure (non-surgery) to get more information. When I told my husband this he informed me that he was infact going to get a vasectomy, that he is "talking to his friends." I informed him in a calm and loving way that that he's been talking about this for a year and a half (we had planned on it before Liam was born) and that I need to move forward.
I'm actually not upset by it, but in a petty way it hurts me, because he is not willing to follow through on this for my benefit. Boys are silly.
So I'll fill you in on how the appointments go.
I suppose the major thing for me is culpablity...did I spell that right? Everything at all times is my fault when things are bad; never when they're good. This is something that I find very irritating and in reality it shuts down any sort of communication because no matter how often I use the "I feel ______________, when you ________________, I need___________________." statements I end up the one trying to fix things. It's exhausting and I don't want to do it anymore.
I need a PARTNER, not another "baby boy".
I am not saying that some of Bill's complaints are valid, for instance my house is not the pristine picture of family housekeeping. But good lord, I do EVERYTHING around the house. Laundry, cooking, cleaning bathrooms, playing with children, even taking out the trash and recycling! There were some designated "man jobs", like trash...just the f-ing trash, but I'm tired of asking constantly.
I am rereading Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, but also her Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
My second complaint is the "crazymaking" in the communication between Bill and I. He says things like, "I never said that." or "What are you talking about?" or blanket statements, "You are mad, sad, crazy, all the time." And it really makes me doubt my sanity at time. One way I gain clarity is by walking; especially if I am aggitated and I'm blocked or ridiculed for doing so and thus I feel trapped in my house. Sometimes in my head this is the coversation I have:
Bill: "You are angry all the time."
Elizabeth's Head: "Am I really angry all the time? I am horrible wife. Just look at this house...I need to change Liam and get him breakfast and than I'll start cleaning. Why am I angry all the time? I don't feel angry, (feeling of anxiety) where did I put Liam's sippy cup? I just had everything in order yesterday, how did all these dishes get here? What am I doing wrong? Why am I always wrong?"
But you know what? I'm with my kids the majority of the time. I KNOW that if I was an unreasonable, angry, bitchy, crazy person I would not have well adjusted, thriving children.
*Sheesh* being a Mom is full time fucking job. Ok, sorry about that, I need to get some semblance of order in my thinking.
I really am looking forward to the two of us just sorting through life's crap and moving forward, together.
Nathan, this one's for YOU!
Click on link below
www.youtube.com/watch
If anyone can tell me how to embed on Live Journal, I'd appre
I wonder how in the world did 50's houswives stay on top of everything? And than I realized that the house my children are growing up in are over twice the size of the house my husband grew up in. No wonder his mom was on top of things!
An online frined of mine mentioned a song that I had to relisten to, "Return to Innocence" by Enigma. I always enjoyed listening to it but never really paid that much attention to they lyrics. So thanks for that.
What else? Liam is almost one and I find myself in awe as I watch him play with his sissy. It's amazing that this little one used to be so active in my womb and now he's on the verge of walking! Today in my "caught up" attempt I'll post some pics....hopefully.
Well, my mug of coffee is about done and laundry needs to be started.
Hence, my unglamorous life as The Real Life of a Stay at Home Housewife :)
He hadn't seen his dad for the past two weekends as Bill was nice enough to swap with his mom so that she could go to a wedding this weekend. Saturday he asks to have a friend spend the night. No problem. Friend doesn't leave until 5:45 that night. Bill takes him home and when he comes back his son is bailing. He wants to go back to his house. Whatever, that ungrageful punk. He has no idea how hard his dad busts his ass to provide not only for our family but for Jake and his mom via childsupport payments. The REAL sad reason is that Jake left so he could go out to eat. I pray Liam will never ditch his dad for a hamburger.
Jake has some delusions, as is typical and normal for teenagers. The issue comes in that his biological mom encourages these fantasies. I suppose she's the one that will ultimately have to suffer the consequences. It's just sad. That's all.
The entitlement mentality is just draining. And **NEWSFLASH** in the "real world" 6'5 white men don't get a handout.
I don't know...the whole thing is interesting.
Bill made a commet about how Kathryn is at the best age. I told him that while being 3 is alot of fun and a highlight, that he has more things to look forward to because I am not leaving him. Being divorced changes things for everyone and as a result Bill was not able to be a key component in his son's life like he will be with our children.
In fact, we started our family when his ex-wife relocated with his son down to Southern CA and did not expect them to return.
I know it's hard for Jake, but his lack of empathy and his ability to lie with no thought is a trait his mother has and one that I find to be disturbing at times. Maybe he should look into law school :)
On Saturday we drove up to Bill's mom's house and gave her a rose bush for Mother's Day. We visited for a couple hours and than went downtown in Portland to the Farmer's Market. We walked around in the sun and found a copper birds nest necklace with matching earrings that Bill bought me for Mother's Day. It's perfect because the three pearl eggs were named by Kathryn as, "Me, Liam, Mychaela." She than looked at my ears and pointed to each peal and said, "Jake, Cruz." Afterwards we meandered down the waterfront admiring the view. For dinner we drove to the Cheesecake Factory and had a blast! Bill had never been so it was a treat for all.
On Sunday morning I drove to Sunday School and Bill stayed home with the kids, both of whom needed rest and were a bit under the weather. When I came back he made me a wonderful breakfast and Kathryn had made me a card. Apparently when he went to the grocery that morning he strapped Liam in the shopping cart, reached in for a carton of milk, turned back around and Kathryn had nearly pushed him down the aisle of Winco.
"Kathryn, come back here!" Bill shouted. To which his daughter responded,
"But Daddy, Liam likes it!"
After breakfast both kids went down for a rest and Bill and I took a "Sunday Nap." Yes, it was a nice day.
Today:
5 loads of laundry
cleaned and oiled kitchen cabinets
mopped floor
played with children
made breakfast
put away dishes
reloaded dishwasher
made lunch
played with children
read books
worked on lowercase "a" with Kathryn...."a circle and a line, a circle and a line."
sorted through garage sale items
taking time on the computer
That means for this evening I'll make fresh salsa and guacamole, cut some limes for the Coronas, prepare my new tortilla cast iron to warm the tortiallas and carnitas tacos will be eaten by all.
I think it's hilliarious that Liam and Kathryn will devour, and I mean DEVOUR my pinto beans! Don't believe me, I'll take pics to prove it!
Is it to early for a glass of wine? Ok, fine, water it is.
So at 8 am I had the rolls ready to rise for 6 hours, and started pulling the skin off the chicken to begin my broth. A chicken, celery stalk, bunch of carrots, one large yellow onion, 6 ears of corn kernals,spices and salt and a rolling boil later I turned down the heat to LO and there is simmered all day long. The aroma was amazing and made the house all warm and cozy. But it was not to be enjoyed. Why? Because the day was too beautiful to sit in the house and do housework. Instead, we got our errands done early and headed to the park in the afternoon. What an amazing day it was, so different from the rain of the past week. So while chicken soup and homemade rolls may not have been quite what the day called for the comfort of playing with my children warmed my soul.
I need to help a bunch of Jr. High kids construct a banner for Habitat for Humanity for the Parade of Bands on May 16th. The theme is "Marching to Camelot" so they came up with the slogan, "Habitat for Humanity, Crusdading for Community". Not bad...
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